Ask Away Sunday: How I Forgave My Bulliers

I had someone ask me a good question. They had just finished reading Love Request and the bullying side-story struck a nerve. The question was: How did you learn to forgive them? The questioner prefers anonymity.

I had to really ponder my answer. Truth is, sometimes I wonder if I have forgiven them...but in the end, I came to the realization I have. I cannot pinpoint when but I can tell you how. For me, it wasn't anything anyone else said to me; it wasn't therapy; it wasn't church. It was just...well, realization that came over time.

I was bullied from second grade until I was a junior in high school. I was called names, beaten up on the playground, I had spit balls thrown at me, I was the brunt of endless jokes. The hearing-impaired girl could do no right.

A common "game" I remember the kids playing--this is sometime after elementary school when the kids no longer cared to risk rolling around in the dirt with me to place bruises and kicks on me and yet before they discovered drugs and sex and got distracted from their torture, so middle school. I always sat in the front of the class to better read the teacher's lips. Behind me, boys would constantly whisper--just loud enough for me and those around us to hear, but not loud enough for the teacher to hear--"Tara, Tara." This was followed by snickers.

If I turned around and glared, they'd laugh their arses off because OMG I heard them! If I didn't turn around, they'd laugh even harder because of course, they just assumed the dumb deaf girl didn't hear them...No matter what I did, I was laughed at. Sometimes this had spit balls involved.

This "game" stayed with me throughout my life for some reason. I think it impacted in me what I just said above: "no matter what I did, no matter how I responded, I could do nothing right."

Bullying continued into adulthood, just changed forms. As a hearing "impaired" person trying to work in the hearing world, I was denied jobs as soon as my "affliction" was mentioned. I was fired for not answering the phone--which I couldn't hear on. I was escorted off the shop floor because my hearing aid made me "unsafe". There was no end to the humiliation.

I tell you all this not because I'm bitter, but so you know.

So how did I forgive? HOW?

Well, as I told the questioner, over time I realized 3 things. And this was the catalyst, the point where I learned to let go.

1. These people (bulliers)  must feel real bad about themselves because they only feel good about themselves when they are making others look or feel bad.

Obviously, these people have issues with their own image and self worth. I have not walked in their shoes and I can't judge, but rest assured, they are the ones with the problem here, not me.

2. They are intimidated by me. It has been instilled in humanity for some time that deaf is dumb. Even if people don't say it anymore, they act it. When people look at us and start speaking really really slow and loud, they send a message to those around us--including their children--this person is stupid. Look how I have to talk to them. he he. And the cycle continues. Actions speak louder than words.

And here I was, handicapped from the get-go, making straight As. I was not and am not dumb. And when you have someone supposed to be dumb/retarded doing just as good or better than you...

3. Had they not treated me bad, I wouldn't be who I am today. Heck, I may have been the one treating people bad! Because of what I went through, I know better. I'd rather be treated bad than live knowing I treated someone else bad, that I possibly scarred them for life.
Conclusion: People fear what they don't understand. If you're being bullied (and adults get bullied too!), try to tell yourself these things and remember...you're not the one with the problem, no matter what they say. It's them. 

Will this make your problems go away? Nope. But it may help you face it.

Want to ask me a question about me, deafness, my books, editing, publishing, whatever, for next Sunday? Head over to this post to fill out the form.

Be AWARE of Hearing Loss

The month of May is Hearing Loss Awareness Month. I'd like everyone to take a moment...not just now, not just this week or even this month, but try to remember throughout the year, that millions of people throughout the United States have hearing loss.

Some tips for the hearing world:

-The next time you speak to someone in a public place and they don't acknowledge you, don't just automatically assume they're being rude. Stop a minute and ask yourself, "Did they hear me?" Maybe they have hearing loss. Hearing loss isn't a visible illness. You don't SEE it. Hearing aids can be well hidden.

-Make it a habit of speaking clearly and enunciating your words. Don't mumble; don't stare at the ground; don't talk too fast. Try to make sure people are looking at you when you speak to them. This was a rule taught in my household growing up, regardless of if someone had a hearing impairment or not. Back in those days, it was a sign of respect to look at someone when they speak to you and vice versa. We need to bring this back.

-Facial hair...is a nightmare for us hard of hearing lip-readers. If we can't see your lips, we don't understand you. Men, keep that hair trimmed.

-Do not assume that because we can't hear, that we're any different from you. I can get married (I am!), I can have children, I can drive, I can ride a bike. I can do everything you can do, except HEAR. This does not in any way or form hinder my mental capabilities or make me dumb. Let's separate deaf and dumb. It's past time.

-Do not speak to us as though we are slow. Speak normally. There's a big difference in plain enunciation (speaking clearly) and spending one minute on each word you utter. Don't draw it out and move your mouth in an exaggerated fashion. We learn to lip-read normal moving lips, not comical.

-Don't yell at us. Many of us are deaf to certain sounds and it doesn't matter how loud you say it, it won't get through. Plain and simple: if you're not speaking clearly, we won't understand it. Your quiet blah blah blah maw wah just becomes a very loud BLAH BLAH BLAH MAW WAH.

-Don't leave us out of things and talk over our heads. We feel ostracized. When everyone around us is laughing at a good joke, we want to laugh too! Include us. Make an effort. If you feel it's too much work to talk to us, we're going to decide it's too much work to be your friend. And you could really miss out on a good friendship.

-Hearing helpers are just that: HELPERS. If you're asked to be a hearing helper, don't permit others to speak to you as though we aren't there. Don't answer for us. If someone says to you, "What does she want to eat?" do not tell them, "She wants pizza." A hearing helper should turn to the deaf person and say, "He asked what you wanted to eat." We can and will answer for ourselves. Be careful not to take over and remember to just help. We do value our independence.

-Don't say something and then get mad when we ask you to repeat it for the second or third time. Count to ten if you have to, but try to avoid that callous "never mind". If you said it once, I'm going to assume you wanted me to hear it. It must be important enough. It's very frustrating when people do this.

-Cochlear implants and medical procedures of that ilk are personal matters. Do not try to fix us. Many of us are happy the way we are and have no desire to change. We don't see ourselves as broken or in need of fixing, so don't act like we are.

-Teach your kids that we're no different from them, that deaf isn't dumb, that hearing aids are nothing to be ashamed of. Talk to your children about bullying and its long-term effects.

Thank you for your time. In honor of Hearing Loss Awareness Month, I'd like to announce that two of my titles, one my memoir of growing up deaf and working in a hearing world (Hear Through My Ears) and one (Love Request) a contemporary novel featuring a hearing-"impaired" heroine, are on sale for 99 cents the rest of May.

Stay for a Song

Love Request: a story about two people reconnecting on the Internet and a young woman discovering she can indeed be truly loved despite her "disability" while at the same time, facing down the bullies from her past. She could have been beaten down, refused to face it, went through life resentful and distrustful, but instead she chooses to open her heart and forgive.


I couldn't settle on one song for this book so I'm sharing with you today two songs, both by Amy Grant. I'm a huge fan of her.

The first one: Stay for A While. This is how Ciara remembers Hunter, years later.

Long time since I've seen your smile,

But when I close my eyes,

I remember

You were no more than a child,

But then so was I,

Young and tender.

Time carries on;

I guess it always will,

But deep inside my heart

Time stands still

The second one...this one has always touched a place deep inside me and though Ciara was never sexually abused, she faced a trauma of a different sort: bullying. Bullying does have long-term effects on people. The feelings of insecurity, fear of people, and extreme self-consciousness stay with people long into adulthood. The question is...how does one handle it? Can they be like this woman in Ask Me? Can they look in the mirror at a lovely woman face and see no more frightened little girl? Or do they still see that frightened child afraid to go to school for fear of what will be done to be her that day?

Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face

No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace

Still she leaves the light burning in the hall

It's hard to sleep at all.

Not an official music video, but I love it. Someone named Terapath made it.

Make sure you don't live your life as a victim. Live your life as a person.

Book Release, Kindle Freebie, & Grand Giveaway!

I’m pleased to share with you my latest release, Love Request. This one is special to me because it’s not only the first romance I penned, but it features a “hearing-impaired” heroine, like myself.

I say “hearing –impaired” because really, there’s nothing wrong with Ciara. She’s not damaged or in need of repair. She just can’t hear as well as others.

As a reader, I grew tired of all the women in romance novels being perfect. In real life, many of us have disabilities—and they are disabilities others can’t see. And worse, they are disabilities others can’t understand, and a lot of times what people don’t understand becomes something they fear…and belittle.

This is where the bullying comes in. You see, this is more than just a romance novel. Open its pages, hit that Kindle “next page” button, and find out for yourself. Learn. Be enlightened. Relate.

Want to sample it first? No problem. Available on Kindle and FREE for the next five days, is a humorous Valentine short story, Mating Instinct.

You’ll find the first chapter of Love Request at the end.

Thank you, readers, for celebrating this special time with me. Happy Valentine’s Day! In honor of you, I’m giving away a print copy of Love Request, a plush dog, a lipstick for that special date, and 5 pheromone-soaked chocolate incense sticks! WARNING: Be careful if dogs are in the vicinity.

Blurb:

When Ciara Littleton finally joins Facebook to socialize without the limits her hearing impairment gives her, she looks up a childhood friend on a whim. In sending him that first message, she ignites the memories of a crush from twenty years ago. Can a simple friend request fix all that stands between them and maybe even lead to something more?

Hunter's plate is full. A recent divorce, a pregnant sister, and now, he realizes he's in love with a woman who lives states away. Can he overcome the boundaries of Internet romance to make this desire turn into something real, or will adversity and distance be their undoing?

This book was formerly titled A Facebook Affair and has been revised with a new ending.

Love Request has been named a LASR Best Book and is now up for vote on Best Book of 2012 Poll. You can cast a vote here. I’m so excited and so grateful!

Blurb for Mating Instinct:

This is exactly what you need!

It’s Valentine’s Day and when Ariel receives a package of incense in the mail from her Pagan friend and mentor, she isn’t sure what to make of the enclosed note. Sure, she has some issues, but who doesn’t?

When the smoke releases its magic, Ariel gets an evening of surprise humor and romance, and it is indeed exactly what she needs.

Links:

Love Request on Amazon

Mating Instinct FREE

a Rafflecopter giveaway