Ask Away Sunday: How I Forgave My Bulliers

I had someone ask me a good question. They had just finished reading Love Request and the bullying side-story struck a nerve. The question was: How did you learn to forgive them? The questioner prefers anonymity.

I had to really ponder my answer. Truth is, sometimes I wonder if I have forgiven them...but in the end, I came to the realization I have. I cannot pinpoint when but I can tell you how. For me, it wasn't anything anyone else said to me; it wasn't therapy; it wasn't church. It was just...well, realization that came over time.

I was bullied from second grade until I was a junior in high school. I was called names, beaten up on the playground, I had spit balls thrown at me, I was the brunt of endless jokes. The hearing-impaired girl could do no right.

A common "game" I remember the kids playing--this is sometime after elementary school when the kids no longer cared to risk rolling around in the dirt with me to place bruises and kicks on me and yet before they discovered drugs and sex and got distracted from their torture, so middle school. I always sat in the front of the class to better read the teacher's lips. Behind me, boys would constantly whisper--just loud enough for me and those around us to hear, but not loud enough for the teacher to hear--"Tara, Tara." This was followed by snickers.

If I turned around and glared, they'd laugh their arses off because OMG I heard them! If I didn't turn around, they'd laugh even harder because of course, they just assumed the dumb deaf girl didn't hear them...No matter what I did, I was laughed at. Sometimes this had spit balls involved.

This "game" stayed with me throughout my life for some reason. I think it impacted in me what I just said above: "no matter what I did, no matter how I responded, I could do nothing right."

Bullying continued into adulthood, just changed forms. As a hearing "impaired" person trying to work in the hearing world, I was denied jobs as soon as my "affliction" was mentioned. I was fired for not answering the phone--which I couldn't hear on. I was escorted off the shop floor because my hearing aid made me "unsafe". There was no end to the humiliation.

I tell you all this not because I'm bitter, but so you know.

So how did I forgive? HOW?

Well, as I told the questioner, over time I realized 3 things. And this was the catalyst, the point where I learned to let go.

1. These people (bulliers)  must feel real bad about themselves because they only feel good about themselves when they are making others look or feel bad.

Obviously, these people have issues with their own image and self worth. I have not walked in their shoes and I can't judge, but rest assured, they are the ones with the problem here, not me.

2. They are intimidated by me. It has been instilled in humanity for some time that deaf is dumb. Even if people don't say it anymore, they act it. When people look at us and start speaking really really slow and loud, they send a message to those around us--including their children--this person is stupid. Look how I have to talk to them. he he. And the cycle continues. Actions speak louder than words.

And here I was, handicapped from the get-go, making straight As. I was not and am not dumb. And when you have someone supposed to be dumb/retarded doing just as good or better than you...

3. Had they not treated me bad, I wouldn't be who I am today. Heck, I may have been the one treating people bad! Because of what I went through, I know better. I'd rather be treated bad than live knowing I treated someone else bad, that I possibly scarred them for life.
Conclusion: People fear what they don't understand. If you're being bullied (and adults get bullied too!), try to tell yourself these things and remember...you're not the one with the problem, no matter what they say. It's them. 

Will this make your problems go away? Nope. But it may help you face it.

Want to ask me a question about me, deafness, my books, editing, publishing, whatever, for next Sunday? Head over to this post to fill out the form.

Stop Hearing Loss Bullying Video

I've spoken a few times of Author Shanna Groves, her new book, Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom, and how I met her in at the Deaf Cultural Center where we talked about a video she was putting together.

I'm pleased to say, she did it! She had an incredible and thought-evoking video made to boost awareness of hearing loss and the bullying that sadly, too often comes with it.

Take a moment this week and ask yourself: How do I treat those who are different from me? How do I speak to them? What message do my actions send my children?

Watch the video. Thank you for your interest and be sure to visit lipreadingmom.com to find out what more you can do. And do leave a comment. My quotes and pictures are in this too. I'd love to know what you think.

Be AWARE of Hearing Loss

The month of May is Hearing Loss Awareness Month. I'd like everyone to take a moment...not just now, not just this week or even this month, but try to remember throughout the year, that millions of people throughout the United States have hearing loss.

Some tips for the hearing world:

-The next time you speak to someone in a public place and they don't acknowledge you, don't just automatically assume they're being rude. Stop a minute and ask yourself, "Did they hear me?" Maybe they have hearing loss. Hearing loss isn't a visible illness. You don't SEE it. Hearing aids can be well hidden.

-Make it a habit of speaking clearly and enunciating your words. Don't mumble; don't stare at the ground; don't talk too fast. Try to make sure people are looking at you when you speak to them. This was a rule taught in my household growing up, regardless of if someone had a hearing impairment or not. Back in those days, it was a sign of respect to look at someone when they speak to you and vice versa. We need to bring this back.

-Facial hair...is a nightmare for us hard of hearing lip-readers. If we can't see your lips, we don't understand you. Men, keep that hair trimmed.

-Do not assume that because we can't hear, that we're any different from you. I can get married (I am!), I can have children, I can drive, I can ride a bike. I can do everything you can do, except HEAR. This does not in any way or form hinder my mental capabilities or make me dumb. Let's separate deaf and dumb. It's past time.

-Do not speak to us as though we are slow. Speak normally. There's a big difference in plain enunciation (speaking clearly) and spending one minute on each word you utter. Don't draw it out and move your mouth in an exaggerated fashion. We learn to lip-read normal moving lips, not comical.

-Don't yell at us. Many of us are deaf to certain sounds and it doesn't matter how loud you say it, it won't get through. Plain and simple: if you're not speaking clearly, we won't understand it. Your quiet blah blah blah maw wah just becomes a very loud BLAH BLAH BLAH MAW WAH.

-Don't leave us out of things and talk over our heads. We feel ostracized. When everyone around us is laughing at a good joke, we want to laugh too! Include us. Make an effort. If you feel it's too much work to talk to us, we're going to decide it's too much work to be your friend. And you could really miss out on a good friendship.

-Hearing helpers are just that: HELPERS. If you're asked to be a hearing helper, don't permit others to speak to you as though we aren't there. Don't answer for us. If someone says to you, "What does she want to eat?" do not tell them, "She wants pizza." A hearing helper should turn to the deaf person and say, "He asked what you wanted to eat." We can and will answer for ourselves. Be careful not to take over and remember to just help. We do value our independence.

-Don't say something and then get mad when we ask you to repeat it for the second or third time. Count to ten if you have to, but try to avoid that callous "never mind". If you said it once, I'm going to assume you wanted me to hear it. It must be important enough. It's very frustrating when people do this.

-Cochlear implants and medical procedures of that ilk are personal matters. Do not try to fix us. Many of us are happy the way we are and have no desire to change. We don't see ourselves as broken or in need of fixing, so don't act like we are.

-Teach your kids that we're no different from them, that deaf isn't dumb, that hearing aids are nothing to be ashamed of. Talk to your children about bullying and its long-term effects.

Thank you for your time. In honor of Hearing Loss Awareness Month, I'd like to announce that two of my titles, one my memoir of growing up deaf and working in a hearing world (Hear Through My Ears) and one (Love Request) a contemporary novel featuring a hearing-"impaired" heroine, are on sale for 99 cents the rest of May.

Bringing Awareness to Hearing Loss & Bullying With Shanna Groves

Today I have Shanna Groves visiting again to talk about her newest release: Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom. I met Shanna through Dawn Colslaure, another deaf author. I'm meeting an incredible amount of deaf authors lately and forming terrific friendships with them. You see, we all want the same thing: awareness of our disability. Understanding of what we deal with. A stop to bullying.

Tell us a little about your background and how you became interested in writing.

My first foray into writing was in middle school when I joined the yearbook staff. One day while laying out a yearbook page, I learned that I had won the Outstanding English Student Award for my school. A gigantic trophy and tons of writing confidence followed. I grew up in Oklahoma and Texas and developed quite a memory for people I had met and places seen. All those memories came in handy years later when I put a magazine editing career on hold to become an aspiring novelist. It was a good thing I knew how to write because it helped channel my feelings about living with progressive hearing loss into words for others to read.

What led you to write Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom? 

Biographies and memoirs are my favorite genre of books, and I wanted to write one for years. A writing instructor once asked what was so special about my life that it warranted a book. It took eight years for my life story to materialize into Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom. I had to live life, not just write about it, in order to have a story worth telling. My book is about living with hearing loss while taking care of children, living with depression, and trying to make sense out of a progressive health issue. Writing this book was my therapy. Each chapter invites the reader on roller-coaster experiences that may surprise, educate, and inspire them.

What is Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom about?

In 2001, I became a new mom to a healthy seven-pound boy. While on maternity leave, I noticed a persistent ringing sound inside my ears and went to a doctor. The diagnosis: progressive hearing loss in both ears; cause unknown. My book spans the first six years of my life as a hard of hearing mom. How could I take care of my babies if I couldn't hear their cries from the other room? Would I become completely deaf and, if so, how would I communicate with my children? The doorbell's chime, the phone ringing, and my toddler's first words were silent to my ears. After two years of denial, I began wearing hearing aids---but I didn't like them at first. They magnified the sounds I didn't want to hear---temper tantrums! Eventually, I learned to navigate the uncertain waters of hearing loss with my sanity and humor barely intact. I became an online hearing loss community advocate, known as Lipreading Mom. This wasn't my lifelong plan in the beginning, but it is something I have come to embrace now. Besides being a wife and mom, I believe my purpose on earth is to tell this story.

Shanna also has some hearing loss awareness projects she'd love to bring to your attention: Find out how you can help in these causes.

- Show Me Your Ears: This is my online photo gallery of people who wear cochlear implants and hearing aids, children with hearing loss, and even a few animal ears! The goal is to make hearing loss awareness a fun and visual experience. To date, there are more than 200 'ears' on display at LipreadingMom.com/Show-Me-Your-Ears.

- Lipreading Mom Captions Campaign: I have partnered with the Collaboration for Communication Access via Captioning (CCAC) to develop an email campaign to encourage networks and websites to caption 100-percent of their online videos so that people who are deaf or hard of hearing have full access to them. Visit the campaign page atLipreadingMom.com/Lipreading-Mom-Captions-Campaign.

- Stop Hearing Loss Bullying: As a person with hearing loss, I have experienced teasing, name calling, and outright bullying---and I am not alone. In schools, communities, and the workplace, people with hearing loss may experience ridiculing and prejudice because of their hearing ability. This campaign has an online petition and is working on a series of videos to heighten awareness that people who can't hear deserve respect and that hearing loss bullying is wrong. Learn more at LipreadingMom.com/Stop-Hearing-Loss-Bullying.

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Shanna Groves was diagnosed with progressive hearing loss after the birth of her first child. She was 27. In the years since, she and her husband added two more children who provide creative fodder for writing. Her books include Lip Reader and the just-released Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom. The philosophy, "One person can make a difference; it takes many people to make the difference permanent," inspired a blog, LipreadingMom.com, that advocates for hearing loss awareness through projects such as the Lipreading Mom Captions Campaign, Show Me Your Ears, and Stop Hearing Loss Bullying. She speaks and teaches classes on hearing health, lip reading, and creative writing to people of all ages. Learn more at ShannaGroves.com.

BLOG ADDRESS: http://LipreadingMom.com

WEB ADDRESS: www.ShannaGroves.com

FACEBOOK ADDRESS:www.Facebook.com/AuthorShannaGroves

TWITTER ADDRESS: www.Twitter.com/LipreadingMom

EMAIL: sgrovesuss@msn.com

Sway (Book #1) by Jennifer Gibson

I grew up in this world: the world of bullies, classmates that hate you on-sight, people that glance your way and whisper behind their hands, teachers that roll their eyes and grow frustrated instead of doing their job.

It's the world in Sway...and then there's some good stuff. We follow a hearing impaired teenage girl through everyday life. There's no conflict/plot. It's just everyday life and what this girl faces and how she finds love in the middle of it. There's school, tornadoes, karate class, friends that aren't friends...

We never do find out why all those kids are whispering behind their hands and staring in her direction. We never find out why nobody came to her birthday party...just as we'd never know in real life. To this day, I can't tell you why kids who bullied me were giggling behind their hands half the time.

What I liked was how eye-opening this would be for someone who'd never been hearing impaired, never walked in our shoes.

"Well, it gets tiring. I work so hard at trying to follow conversations at school. Don't forget that I rely a lot on lip reading and watching body language. There's is always a lot going on at the same time so it's easy to miss something, especially if someone turns away from me or it's really noisy....By the end of the day, I'm really worn out..."

THANK YOU, MS. GIBSON, FOR POINTING THAT OUT.

Truly, hearing people don't seem to get it.

I didn't like...the excessive details about her day: where she puts her backpack, what she eats after that, what color of clothing she puts on. And as I said above, some things are left unanswered, but that's actually parallel to real life. However, it left the book feeling unconcluded. I wanted to see this chick get her sweater back, wanted to know what became of the pen pal, did the hockey players get justice served? The tornado...why was it there? Etc.

And where was the dad? I knew he was a professor and he was never home. He didn't even come to the hospital  He doesn't appear until the end of the book. I felt like this heroine was always alone--this isn't a complaint, but an observation. Sadly, many children do grow up with parents that are never around. I felt for her. But the ongoing lack of dad should have been an issue at some point in the story.

However, there is a book two. Perhaps the answers will be revealed.

I received this from the author in exchange for an honest review.

An Open Letter to My Hearing Friends from Shanna Groves

Recently, I discovered this amazing woman and author who is bringing awareness to hearing loss and difficulties via literature, her blog, and YouTube. Here is a letter from her. Please welcome Shanna Groves.

Dear Friend,

I want to discuss an important difference we have—something that can impact our entire communication from this point forward.

When you were born, your hearing was normal. So was mine. For years, I took the ability to hear for granted. I listened to my car stereo several notches too loud and sat in concert arenas filled with the shrill sounds of guitars, drums and vocalists belting out tunes. As a college student, I worked in a noisy printing press environment without wearing earplugs. All the while, my hearing gradually suffered.

For the past 11 years, my life has differed from yours. It’s all because of a diagnosis I received two months after my oldest child was born: I have progressive hearing loss.

What does that mean? Imagine losing the sensitive hairs that line the back of your neck, one by one. You wait and wait for them to grow back, but they never do. For some unknown reason, the hairs are gone forever. That has happened to my inner ears. The nerve hairs in the deepest part of each ear have been destroyed permanently. Cause unknown. Without these hairs, my ears are not as sensitive to sound as yours.

The first part of my hearing that disappeared was with high-frequency pitches—birds singing, kids screaming, phones ringing, and all soft consonant sounds (f, s, t, v). Gone. Permanently. I am deaf to these noises.

The inability to hear high-frequency pitches affects all of my conversations with you.

You: “Is the baby sleeping?”

What I hear: “Ha! Baby leaping.”

You: “What time is it?”

What I hear: “Whoa, I’m in.”

I have worn hearing aids for nine years to help with hearing better. But please repeat after me:

HEARING AIDS ARE A HELP, NOT A SOLUTION FOR HEARING LOSS.

With my hearing aids, I can hear the phone ring and the kids scream and soft consonant sounds—most of the time. Yet even with the aids, I still can’t hear robins chirping over me as I sit on my backyard swing. Do I miss that sound? Yes. Every day.

I want to ask that the two of us find a way to bridge the gap between our hearing differences, to understand each other. So, here are my suggestions...

~ Please face me when you speak. My eyes have become my ears. I watch your lips move and interpret your facial and body gestures. That is impossible to do when I am in the driver’s seat and you are talking to me from the passenger’s side of the car. Let me stop the car or come to a stoplight so I can give you my full attention.

~ Quiet rooms are always the best place for me to hear you well. When this isn’t possible, I hear better in a private booth rather than at a table in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Better yet, pull me aside, look me in the eye, and speak slowly and with good articulation. Doing this will decrease the chances of you having to repeat yourself three times before I get it.

~ I don’t expect you to walk on eggshells if you are unsure whether I have heard something you said. It is much better to tell me that I didn’t respond to your question, than to assume I am rude, dumb or zoned out for not answering.

~ If any of my suggestions seem too radical, I’d like you to try an experiment. Wedge two cotton balls in both of your ears, then try to carry on a conversation in a noisy room with your eyes closed. Difficult, isn’t it? Welcome to my world!

By writing to you, I hope to provide insight that will help when we have our next conversation. You are a good friend for taking the time to read this letter. You’ve shown support in my hearing journey by taking an interest in what I write. Thank you for that.

As your friend, here is my commitment to you...

~ I promise to give you my full attention when you speak to me.

~ I promise to politely ask you to repeat yourself if I have missed something you said.

~ I promise to care about what you have to say because I care about you.

Blessings,

Shanna Groves

http://LipreadingMom.com

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AUTHOR BIO

Shanna Groves was diagnosed with progressive hearing loss two months after her oldest child was born. She was 27. Her books, Lip Reader, and Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom, were inspired by her experiences with deafness. Follow her blogs LipreadingMom.com and Deaf-Insight.com/Ask-Lipreading-Mom, and read more about her writing and speaking at www.ShannaGroves.com.

She has a book releasing soon called Confessions of a Lip Reading Mom. Also, take a moment to watch her YouTube video. SHOW HER YOUR EARS!